Announciating truth.

If there's one thing that past lessons have certainly taught me it's don't creep around waiting for something to happen or remain silent until it's too late. Strike while the iron is hot, don't let fears & paranoia boil under the surface, communication is key. My biggest problem is that I automatically jump to the worst conclusion, despite my previous attempts of control, meditation, discipline even Cannabis, my demons still occasionally rear their ugly heads. Things could have gone very badly, instead of allowing this, I confronted the problem head on, to find my fears though not completely unjustified, weren't quite as bad as I inittially thought, however were it not for communicting these fears, they would have remained bubbling away under the surface, until I'd eventually explode which would have ultimately been disasterous for all involved. In retrospect now I actually feel nothing but love & compassion. I can understand where & why things got the way they did. Instead of letting the darkeness take hold, the light shone through. Word of advice for anyone in a loving, meaningful relationship, TALK! Yes damn it, talk! Nothing kills a relationship faster than a lack of communication & if you don't do something about it you could soon find yourself with no'one left to talk to, just yourself. Personally I do sometimes think I'm the only one who actually understands a damn thing I say anyway, but joking aside, communication, honesty & integrity are what's really important. Without these, we simply crawl into our shell, hide and evetually die in there alone & twisted. Without darkness, there is nothing to light up. Recent events have been a wake up call, not only for me, but to all of us I think. We have just put a downpayment on a new house, a bigger nicer family home & are planning to have another child. It's also more space for Tyler to play and a much safer environment, Steph is looking into furthering her acting career & I am working on properly setting up a home business in photography & video (Something I have been putting off for far too long).

In regards to our absent friend, I wish him luck & best wishes for his bright future, while the darkness may creep in with you also, I know you have what it takes to fight it & always come out shining on top, don't let us down, I know you can do it. You may have said you are a boy & some respects this may be right, but I know you are becoming a good man. :D

What doesn't kill us can only make us stronger & without making mistakes we can never learn from it.

I'm not trying to say I know all the answers to everything, that I am always right etc etc, all I will say is that I have now been on this earth long enough to have made enough of these classic mistakes that life loves to throw at us, they are not a sign of weakness, but a learning curve that helps us grow & flourish.

Personally I could have acted like a complete idiot on this, fortunately I remembered one very important detail, I am a grown up & need to act like one.

Though I may like to be laid back, go with the flow & try to be "down with the kids" to coin a phrase I have to accept my twenties are behind me, my teens a distant memory that brings a smile & probably a few groans at the same time, but again, it's what makes us human but also guides us toward divinity.

Life can test us and take us to dark places, just always remember, trust your instincts, flag any problems, nip it in the bud & just try to be the best person you can possibly be, in the long run we may or may not become gods, but it's a hell of a ride trying :D

Peace & love all,

Ainz xx

Creeping in...

So it seems once again that life is testing me, taking me to a dark place once again. I'm trying so hard every day to fight it, but it's getting so hard. It would really help if I could clarify the difference between paranoia and genuine intuition. Well now it seems that my feeings are confirmed and so, well the upset, anguish & paranoia is becoming anger again. I know I have a bad habbit of trying to ignore what my gut tells me & I should really go on my instincts as they usually turn out to be right. Fate has a funny way of smacking you in the face really, but when you see the obsticles a mile away then why not move before you get too close. Unless of course the hurdles move to meet you, then you're pretty much fucked either way. I have a key word when shit starts to hit the fan and my natural defence (finally) kicks in. "Pirate"! "Pirate"? You may ask. Yes that's right Pirate, Pirate is my true nature, it sums up eveyrthing I associate with freedom, not being held back or controlled by anyone, not being kept in line, my way of saying "You know what? Fuck everything!" "Pirate"!.

I should really mention, I am a 30 year old Father, in a staedy relationship of four and a half years with a Three year old son whom we both love very much. My partner and my child are my universe, everything I do really is to benefit them, I'm probably far from the best Dad & Husband in the world, but I do try hard, I guss somewhere in there I lost sight of myself. My Partner/Fiance/Commonlaw wife is a beautiful young woman with dreams of becoming an actress, Believe me I believe she could easily do it. She's generally a beautiful & happy soul, always smiling & joking & has an uncanny gift of bringing out the sunny side in people. She attracts attention from other males & just has fun with it, much of the time she doesn't even realise. I know I don't usually need to worry as she always remains loyal, however recently I somehow feel like there's a third member to our relationship and feel like I'm the one who's apparently unwelcome :(

I guess to get some light on my ramblings & madness I should really publish some of my old BOS, this may help give you some insight as to how crazy this shit can get.

I have no idea where life is going to take me, or my partner, the important thing right now is how things affect our son!
I can't be the reckless pirate, I have too much at stake.
Time to rethink my approach on everything before I truly crash & burn I guess...